Life Happens

WOW!

2011-03-04T19:43:00.001-08:00

Its been a super long time!! I guess an update is in order. Lots to tell, so it will have to be bullet style...

-Still waiting on the adoption. Feels like I will be waiting forever, but I know that I need to have that waiting time for the right child that fits into my life.

-Harley is a massive big beast, but she is the sweetest, big baby in the whole world. Her obediance classes went well and we are working on all the skills still.

-Boys..... I'm not sure what I can say. I don't think I have ever felt worthy of feeling someones love and so I was self sabatouging. Believe me when I say there are about a million posts more about how I am realizing my lack of self-worth and self esteem issues. So I guess I haven't been able to find a man who is willing to take that baggage on yet, not that I have been activly looking.

-Work is still good. I love my job and I love the kids in my class! Can't get any better then that.

-Last but not least, I am trying very hard to lose weight, and do it healthly. I have started the ideal protien diet, but I have also starting running. I am registared to do a 5km in May. I'm excited about this. So far in 2 months I have lost 24.4 pounds and 25.5 inches off my body!

Thats the update for now, I'm hoping to update this more often!!!

So.... its my birthday.....

2010-05-03T15:40:00.000-07:00

and all I wanted for a present, was my sociail worker to call. I hate the waiting that you do in adoptions. You wait to get off the waiting list, you wait as you fill out paper work, you wait for your socail worker to come up for the interviews and home checks. Then your finally offically approved. This is when the big wait comes. The wait that I am in right now. I am at the point in my adoption story where I just wit for the call and wait to have some little bambino placed in my arms.

I am not the most patient person in the world. And I hate having no answers to the questions that are asked of me. Lets just hope it happens sooner then later!!!

And now I wait.....

2010-04-18T17:17:00.000-07:00

Well the adoption process is on its way. I have filled out all my paperwork, got the necessary papers put together, pictures taken for my profile. I had my home inspection and had my interviews. Everything went well and now I just wait.

I think I find this the hardest part. When I was in the midst of all the paperwork and all the questions and decisions, I found I was okay with it, knowing that this was all a means to an end. The end where I get to be a Mom and love and raise a child. But now that alls that done, I just have to wait. I am not always the most patient person when it comes to waiting for awesome exciting things to happen. I also hate answering questions about the wait. It could be three weeks from now that I get the call or it could be 3 years from now, although I may die if it takes 3 years. I'm not sure I can wait that long. Although I know that I can and that I will, its hard, cause I want this new life to start now.

I have chosen to not start a new relationship or anything until after baby comes, seeing as I dont want to have to worry about someone else in the process when I know at times I will feel overwhelmed and overtired. But what if I am holding out for 3 years, and I've turned down something that it potentially super awesome for me. Its such a hard balance and such a hard decision to make.

I just can't wait to meet the little one. Thats what keeps me holding on, watching them take their first steps, first day of preschool, kindergarten, first crush, first date, first kiss, graduation, and then all the milestones in between.

TELEMIRACLE......

2010-03-08T18:45:00.000-08:00

all you need is a miracle, all we need is you!!!

So this weekend was the 34 Telemiracle. I was able to go and answer phones and get to spend my weekend, taking pledges and watching some awesome Saskatchewan talent.

I am so proud to be from my little town. For a town of 500, we raised just over
$35 000. How awesome is that. Our province raised over 4 million. I can't believe the generosity that this province has. It makes my heart smile.

Weight.....

2010-02-02T17:54:00.000-08:00

It always seems to be on my mind. I decide to have a couple chocolate raisens and I think about how fat I am. I don't take Harley for a walk, because I am super sick, and I think about how I am not working out, which means in my head I'm getting fatter.

I was finally becoming happy and comfortable in this body of mine when I did a total 180. I became dissatisfied and unhappy, and uncomfortable looking in the mirror.

I want to be happy in the skin I'm in and I want to feel sexy again.

I had tried weight watchers before and lost some weight. I think I am going to do it again and with walking the dog for an hour a day, maybe see some nice weight loss.

I think I want this bad enough it will stick. Or I hope it will.

Harley in all her glory.....

2010-01-18T19:18:00.000-08:00

2010

2010-01-18T18:28:00.000-08:00

Well we are 18 days into the new year. And what a year it has been already.

I started this year, with the resolution to be myself and to be completely and honestly and openly me. I also put into effect a 5 date rule and decided to not settle anymore. I'm tired of dating/meeting the jerks and I'm willing to wait for that person. I also know that I will meet that person come hell or high water.

This year also started with me adopting a puppy from the local Regina Humane Society. She is a 4 month old American Staffordshire Terrier Cross. She is pretty smart, and somewhat stubborn. She fits in well with the household, if she just would quit jumping all over Koda my cat and actually let Koda lay on the couch for a couple minutes. We start obediance this week so I'm looking forward to learning how to work with her and having a very well behaved dog.

I also got some super exciting news. I am offically on the track for adopting my first child. I know it seems scary, and it is in someways, but also for me it is very exciting. The idea of giving birth to my own children has been for me one that has wavered throughout my life. I struggle with PCOS, and since I was 16, the doctors have told me that I am/will stuggle with having children. I know there are ways, but I don't want to bank on being able too. At 25, I went to the local office of social services and applied to adopt. I was told it was going to be 5-7 years on a waiting list and after being on that list of one and a half years I am adopting. This is a new venture for me, and while I know my life is about to change drastically, I am incredibly excited for this moment.

I know 2010 is going to be my year. I can't wait to see what this year has in store for me. Hows your 2010 going for you?

2009-11-21T17:54:00.000-08:00

I had major plans to keep up the blogging but then I hit another wall. I thought I had met someone who was really into me and I was super surprised when he broke my heart. Then I met someone else, who forgot to mention that he had another girlfriend. So I felt a little betrayed and hurt. Most recently I hung out with someone who had previously talked about being interested in me, he walked me home from a party, kissed me, told me he was interested, and then hasn't talked to me since.

I am so frustrated with my love life at the moment. I feel like I will never meet anyone again. I'm scared to meet someone knowing that at anytime my heart is.maybe.going to get broken. Feeling as if there must be something wrong with me and not knowing how to fix what must be wrong.

Throw on top of this whole drama, a vast majority of people I know are getting married/having babies, and constantly telling me to find someone and why am I still single. This is when I really miss my Grandma. She was always awesome about telling me to pursue other ventures and so what if I'm single, Life is fantastic. Shes been gone 3 years and man I miss her.

Sorry for the emotional dump, but if I'm gonna be me and gonna be true, then I need to be free to write what I need.

2009-09-30T20:46:00.001-07:00

Being that I haven't felt like myself for a long time, and feeling like I wasn't being the best I could be, I have decided on a new motto, and a new outlook on life.

BE HAPPY!

Sounds so easy, but is so difficult. It is so easy to be negative and to see the worst in a situation and start to feel down. I have really been working on being happy and not sinking into the negative parts of my day. I am trying to see the successes of my students, and not just notice the behaviors that annoy the junk out of me.

And its working. I was so much more relaxed and calm after the last two days of school. I can't wait to see how I feel about this school year, if my goal is to be happy!!!!

LICE!!!

2009-09-25T18:58:00.001-07:00

Yep, pretty sure I have it. It has been in our school on and off for the last couple weeks, and today was the first day I have felt truly itchy. I am going to go and get the shampoo tomorrow and hope for the best.

Tonight I talked to my Dad, and he asked if I would perform (the piano) at his 50th birthday party. I began to cry as soon as I realized that by saying yes that I was going to be adding one more thing to my list of to dos.

I already feel as if I am drowning and can't seem to get on top of things. My house is in shambles, my love life is even worse, and my friendships are sucking cause I have no time for phone conversations and visits.

Man this has turned into a pity party. I'm gonna run here and try to clean a little more.

Happy Weekend!

The start of a new year....

2009-09-16T17:06:00.000-07:00

school year that is. I am currently drowning. Figurativly of course, but drowning none the less. Its been kinda crazy this school year. My class is probably one of the most challenging classes I will ever have in my career, and while I am always up for a challenge this seems way more then I can handle.

I obviously can't go into many details, but you can know that this is the biggest class I've taught here in my little town. My first year here I started with 10 students. Last year I had 15 kids and this year I'm up to 19. It it keeps going this way, I'm scared of what it might look like in 3 years.

I really hope to keep updating this more regularly. Its been a crazy summer with boy drama and my sisters wedding, as well as many other weddings this summer. All of which were beautiful and fun.

I'm hoping to get the drama factor down in my life and have cut out most if not all men, except from friends and family. Anyways, there isn't much more news. Hopefully I can keep this up.

man do I ever suck!

2009-04-26T11:58:00.000-07:00

Well I have let this blog become nothing. I really haven't had much to say in the last few months. So much has been going on, but I just never felt like I wanted to share. I'm ready now and have processed many of the things happening and I finally am ready to share.

I have been really struggling with my health for the past 3 months. There is a possibility of tumors or big cysts growing on my ovaries, that are causing me quite a bit of pain and quite a bit of worry. I have another ultrasound this upcoming Friday so I'm hoping to have some resolution to this concern of mine.

And the big news.... as if those arn't big enough. I am currently taking the Foster care Pride program. I am considering becoming a foster parent and am taking the class and doing all kinds of research to see if this is something that I can do.

Anyways I'm still working on losin weight. I have lost 8 pounds in 2 months and am still trying to make that a nice 15 before my sisters wedding in August.

I am hoping to update this more as I actually have news to share now.

Yoga

2009-02-04T18:56:00.000-08:00

I went to my first yoga class. Its hard. I knew it probably wasn't easy, but I didn't realize exactly how hard it was. Anyways I wanted to document a weight loss of 2.5 pounds. I was excited when I stepped on the scale on Monday morning. Lets hope this continues eh????

LOSER!

2009-01-27T20:24:00.000-08:00

Well I woke up early Monday morning and prayed that the scale would show some movement. I was truly expecting to see the scale jump up. I had been to visit my sister in Manitoba and had not eaten the best.

I am proud to say that I lost one pound! But I reached my goal is 10 activity points. So thats it so far. HOpefully I can keep losing.

I went to the gym tonight and had a friend show me some really good workouts for my triceps. I'm hoping to get my arms more toned as well.

Weight Watchers....

2009-01-18T18:25:00.000-08:00

Here I come......

I decided to jump on the weight watchers train. I am using the website, and counting points and figuring out what I eat and why. This week has been a really bad week for points, as I went to a Ukrainian New Years Party called Malanka. There was way too much food and I definatly ate.

But its all in moderation. I figure that I don't have any big celebrations in the next while, that I can eat better.

Anyways, tomorrows my weigh-in day so I guess I'll see how this week went.

2009-01-05T19:36:00.000-08:00

Well my good intentions are already messed up. I had such good intentions last night. I was going to get up at 7 and do the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. From there I had already done the points for my breakfast as well as to make my lunch. I knew exactly how my morning was gonna go, I was ready for some mess-ups, but I thought for sure I could do the video and make breakfast without any mess-ups. Well I was WRONG!

Instead of waking up to my alarm at 7:00, I woke up at 8:30. And considering I have to be at school by 8:30 I was definatly late. I was so dissapointed in myself, which meant that I didn't have a great breakfast, actually I didn't have any at all. Lunch was thrown together at school and I was annoyed with myself.

I did redeem myself tonight, I went to the gym tonight and worked out on the treadmill for 20 minutes and then did some weight and ab work.

Anyways i debated for a long time whether I should put my weight out there on the internet for the world to see. I still haven't decided. Do you think it would keep me more accountable? Weigh in okay???

New Years Resolution....... kinda anyways.....

2009-01-04T18:09:00.001-08:00

Well I was working hard before the holidays trying to lose weight, so I figure that I can continue working now that I'm back into my routine. I'm going to try to keep this blog up to date, so that I can look back and see that I am actually losing. As of right now I am about 100 pounds more then I should be. This is due to eating habits, exercise habits, as well as some underlying health issues that make weight gain easy and weight loss hard.

Anyways, I'm going to start by doing the Jillian Michaels 20 pound shred video every morning before school. I will also be going to the gym to tan and walk on a treadmill 2-3 times a week to start.

I'm hoping to be a little lighter for my sisters wedding and I'm hoping that I can get healthier and hopefully clear up the health problems I do have.

Happy New Years by the Way!

2008-11-30T14:51:00.000-08:00

Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens - unknown

This quote has significant meaning in my life, right now and for the last few years. I am a worrier. I worry about how everything is going to work out. I worry about my bills, the future, my parents and family. I worry about what people think about me, and I definatly worry about school.

I am trying to live my life without analyzing every moment and every thought. Sometimes you just need to go with the flow and realize that everything will work out.

Right now I have many things on my plate, many of which people give opinions and expect me to follow them even though its not what I want. I am feeling the pressure and I just need to remember, to go with my gut and to stop analyzing everything.

A little bit of randomness....

2008-11-19T19:16:00.000-08:00

1. I slept funny and now I've got a wicked pain in my neck.
2. I am taking tap dancing lessons again.
3. I lost 13 pounds on weight watchers but then I fell off the wagon. I need someones help to keep on track.
4. I've been walking to work everyday. I wear the ugliest touque ever, but I'd rather be warm and ugly then cold and beautiful.
5. I am going to the Carrie Underwood concert in 2 weeks. I can't wait.
6. I have been so sad the past couple months, I didn't realize it was as bad as it was, until someone else mentioned it.
7. I've actually started listening to Christmas music. Already. Its crazy!

Imagine my surprise....

2008-11-09T17:40:00.000-08:00

when I was told by a student who I would be marrying even though I am quite single.
Lets start at the beginning okay?

So I had my students sitting in their show and tell circle. We had made it through all the "shows" without any incidents. As we made it to the "tells" the students all had lots of information to tell me. This is always when I get some giggles for the day. I always find out information that probably shouldn't come to school, such as whose Mom got new lingerie and whos parents are fighting because one is working more then the other thinks they should.

This particular day, one little boy says, to the whole group, "My dad says that he might marry Ms. Gray." I was shocked. This Dad is at least 45, and not my type at all. All the kids ofcourse believed him and were shooting questions at me left and right. It was all I could to not fall over laughing. I had to explain that no I wasn't getting married to this students dad, but I would probably marry someone else.

This opened a whole new can of worms. They wanted to know, who and when, would they be invited. I had to fake my way through it.

So, if you hear I'm getting married in the near future, just smile and nod and realize I was saving my ass....

2008-10-19T19:57:00.000-07:00

I had the fantastic oppurtunity to spend my weekend with teenagers from all over Saskatchewan. We got to spend time, talking and discussing the dangers and implications of drinking and driving.

I was so proud of my students and their determination to save lifes and work together to stop this from happening. I don't teach high school kids, but I'm glad tht I got to spend my weekend with a group of great students.

One of the best speakers I have ever seen was there. Cara Filler (www.carafiller.com) was there, and did a talk of risk-taking, traffic safety. Her talk was not necessarily about drinking and driving, but included that as well. She has been personally affected by someones reckless driving. She lost her twin sister to a preventable accident. I related to much of what she said and really appreciated her sense of humor and her ways to taking us from crying to laughing so hard we were peeing our pants.

As much as I don't like drinking and driving (I HATE IT) I also can not stand reckless driving. We can prevent accidents and there would be less tragedy if we just took our time. I have been affected personally. I lost my Mom just before my fourth birthday. I have missed her more then anything and it was a preventable accident. Please, take your time while driving. If you've had a drink, please don't drive. Options, please use them. Prove my students right, that people will listen and stop and save lifes!

2008-10-06T20:52:00.000-07:00

I'm really finding myself being extra pessimistic this year. I am usually one of those girls who envisions the glass to be half empty, but its gotten worse and I'm not sure how to fix it.
This school year is really taking its toll on me and although I havne't said much, its because I don't want to complain all the time. But I really do need alot of prayer and good vibes sent my way.
I'm looking forward to the Thanksgiving break to refresh my mind and to just take care of me.
If you have any other ideas on how to relax, let me know. I'm ready to try anything.

2008-09-30T20:08:00.000-07:00

As I have gotten older my friendships have changed and while for the most part I am okay with the way they have gone. There are certian friendships that I still have that I wonder about.

I have lived in my new town for just over one year. I have had a few visitors come. I have had my Saskatoon friends come twice, my family has come up quite a bit, my Auntie even drove up for my dance recital.

I get annoyed when I get shit for not coming home as much as I should and how I need to visit with everyone. But they never make time for me. Do you know that if I don't phone that I don't talk to anyone. Not one of my hometown friends have phoned me and I know they are busy, but hell I'm busy too. I run from morning to night. I wonder if they know what a hard time I'm having with life and with school and stuff. Not one has even thought to phone and see how life is going. I'm forgotten up here, and my feelings are hurt. I know I should just suck it up and be okay with it. I have new friends here, but there isn't the history here like I have with the other girls.

I guess I just have to figure it out from here. I'm not sure what direction it will be, but somethings got to be done.

2008-09-19T17:13:00.000-07:00

I was never one of those teachers, or people who had the same expectations for everyone. Life doesn't always treat everyone the same way. While there are certain societal expectations that should be followed, there are times when you have to look at circumstances as well as the person to make your decision.

No matter the consequences I will always follow my heart. I have been getting some slack over a decision I made that is against some peoples version of right and wrong. I try not to cave to peoples opinions as I will never satisfy everyone. But
sometimes you just need to do whats right for you.

Remember, not everything is black and white and there is always a grey area. Please remember to walk a mile in someones shoes before judging.

Thats my little rant for the day. Feel free to rant if you want. It was a ranting type of day.

Did I Shave My Legs For This?

2008-09-18T18:54:00.000-07:00

do it, because it will make you giggle to yourself.
RULES:
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write down that song name no matter what!
4. Put any comments in parentheses after the song name.

If someone says "is this okay?" you say:
Do you want Fries with That? - Tim McGray

How would you describe yourself?
New Again - Sara Evans and Brad Paisley - Such a good way. This song talks about the feelings between Jesus and his Mother and her doubt and fear knowing what is to come. God has brought me through many things and I'm changed only though him. Ask and I'll share someday. Just remind me.

What do you like in a guy/girl?
Lets Dance - Sara Evans.

How do you feel today?
Straight Tequila Night- by George Strait. Its true. Its been a really hard week and quite a day today. I may not be a very popular teacher tomorrow, but I follow my heart. And I believe in second chances!

What is your life's purpose?
Can I Stay Here Forever- Starfield

What is your motto?
I Do- by Paul Brandt

What do your friends think of you?
Shoot the Moon- Norah Jones

What do you think of your parents?
Incomplete- Backsteet Boys. So true!

What do you think about very often?
Being Without You- Rent Soundtrack

What is 2 + 2?
Tonight I want to cry- Keith Urban

What do you think of your best friend?
The Time of My Life- David Cook

What do you think of the person you like?
I Wanna Talk About Me - Toby Keith - Except that I'm not interested in dating. Its overrated!

What is your life story?
I'm Only Me When I'm With You- Taylor Swift

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Small Town Girl -Kellie Pickler Ohhh, I'm living up to my dream. Cause I'm definatly in small town.

What do you think of when you see the person you like?
Stays In Mexico- Toby Keith

What will you dance to at your wedding?
Tonights the heartaches on me- dixie chicks

What will they play at your funeral?
Le Vie Boheme- Rent

What is your hobby/interest?
Heres To You- Rascall Flatts

What is your biggest fear?
Cold Cold Heart- Norah Jones

What is your biggest secret?
All I want to Do- Sugarland

What do you think of your friends?
Starts with Goodbye- Carrie Underwood

What will you post this as?
Did I shave my legs for this- Deana Carter

I promise a real update soon. Theres just too much going on and I'm coaching senior volleyball and doing school, as well as a hundred other things.

Let me know if you do it. I want to read.

A meme....

2008-08-16T13:55:00.000-07:00

Finish the sentence… don’t use the same answer twice….

I hate….. that I am living paycheck to paycheck right now. I have many dreams and desires and am unable to fulfill them at this time.

I need…..someone who truly understands, and does not question this journey I am on.

i want…..to have summer last a little longer

i wish…..that some friends would come visit me, even though I live in the middle of nowhere.

I dislike….the amount of cat and dog hair in my house

I miss…living in the city close to my friends and family.

i can’t wait for….the long weekend. 'nuf said.

i see…a very messy house

I’m ready for….school to start

I wish I could….fly, seriously, life would be so much more interesting

I like….nice drives on old country roads

I love….the way live is slowly going

Now, your turn, let me know so I can come read.

Really....... Love??

2008-08-06T16:40:00.000-07:00

Its crazy this heart of mine. One second I'm incredibly content being single. I'm planning for the future. I have my name on the adoption list and am starting down that road. And then I meet someone that I think is really neat.

I have been completly thrown for a loop. I have planned my life without anyone. I really am happy as a single woman. I'm not saying that this new boy and I will ever have anything. I'm just always surprised when I actually meet someone. I'm surprised when I realize that maybe I'd want to get to know them better.

I mean I dated lots in university, probably more then I needed too. But there was only one boy out of many that ever made me think that it could go the distance. Sadly it didn't work out and I got on with my life. I learned to rely on God and realized that in my singleness I could do many things that I couldn't do married.

This is just a big ball of randomness but it needed to come out and I thought I'd just write it out. What are your thoughts.... are you content single or are you currently looking for love, or are you always looking for love??

A good week so far!

2008-07-28T17:48:00.000-07:00

It has been beautiful weather here the last little bit. Warm enough that I can head to the beach and hang out and just warm enough to get the really good thunder storms.

I had a minor annoyance this past week when I realized that one of the people that I had asked to house-sit for me had gone through some of my most personal belongings. I felt quite violated. This person will definatly have a different image of me then before. The stuff he found was personal stuff from my previous life. I'm quite hurt and unsure of how to deal with the situation. Any advice?

I have had a special visitor this week. I have been looking forward to having my "niece" Hannah come visit with me here in Norquay. We've been on numerous walks, and beach trips. She is enamoured with my cat Koda and he is being very tolerant of her games of hide and seek and many hugs. I have seen Hannah bloom into a very special little girl. We have a special bond that I hope never fades. All in all, its only been a day into the week, but a good week so far.

I'm a horrible blogger

2008-07-20T14:53:00.000-07:00

I really wasn't trying to ignore this blog. But I haven't had a computer since the beginning of June, and I didn't feel like blogging from school or my parents house.

June is done and I'm glad. I was in definate need of a vacation and I was glad when July came. I spent the first couple weeks, cleaning out my flower garden and doing yard work. I've definatly realized that I do not have a green thumb like my grandparents or my parents.

Last weekend I spent in Craven Valley watching some really great musicians and hanging out with really cool friends. I ended my week in Saskatoon spending lots of time with my friend Megan, her husband Sean and their adorable dog Dakota.

I'm excited to spend a couple weeks here in Norquay, relaxing and just hanging out.

Hows your summer so far???

In the land of dogs...

2008-06-01T16:46:00.000-07:00

For the past week I have been living with a dog.... and I love it, mostly.

I really like that I have someone to walk with and someone who shows excitment when I walk in the door. What I don't like it that I have to walk the dog really early in the morning. I'm not a morning person so having to walk Molly at 6ish is a little different for me. Shes an old stubborn dog ad its been a little of a challenge but we are getting along okay.

She doesn't really like people so that cuts down on my time outside with her. She does love Koda though, and surprisingly Koda loves her. He likes to lay beside her and rub all over her.

I still haven't made a final decision to get a puppy, but I think I just might. Any thoughts?

2008-05-19T20:12:00.000-07:00

I overcame a fear this past week. I'm actually quite pleased with myself for actually going through with it and not screaming and sitting in the car.

I went to our local snake pit. Here take a peek at the pictures......

How cool is that. If you can ever go and see a snake pit, you should its so cool to look at. I even went twice.

2008-05-12T20:01:00.000-07:00

....sometimes it feels as if no matter how far you walk on your path, and how many trails you blaze...there is a part of you that will always ache, no matter how quietly.

This was part of an email a very wise friend sent to me on Mothers Day. Yesterday marked my 20th Mothers Day without my Mother. I found Mothers Day very hard this year. I cried more in the last few days then I can remember. I was really feeling sorry for myself and I was really missing my Mom.

There is nothing in the world that can replace her. I have missed many important events with her. I didn't have her at my highschool/university convacation. She wasn't there to celebrate getting my first teaching job. I couldn't share the joy of decorating my first house.

I needed to take time yesterday to honour my Mom. To remember the way she was and to relive my memories of her. I know that I can't ever have her back, but I will never forget the way she sang to me. Or the way she let me drive while sitting on her knee. I won't forget the way she taught me to write my name or sing my ABC's.

I won't ever forget her.

DJ

2008-05-08T11:17:00.000-07:00

DJ,
You have brought me much joy over the last five years. You were a good companion to Koda, and to me. While you didn't always like to cuddle, when you did, you made it worth my while.
And you were BEAUTIFUL! You had such a beautiful markings, with the cute hair coming out of your ears and from inbetween your toes.
I loved how you were so tall that you learned how to open the screen doors all by yourself, and how because I was scared that you were going to get out that I locked myself out quite a few times.
I won't forget how you used to climb into my cupboards and scare the living crap out of me. Or how you loved to sit at the sink while I brushed my teeth and drink the water, even though you always ended up with toothpaste on your head.
I'm gonna miss you alot buddy. I wish that I could have made a different decision, but I can't live with a cat who poops in my house. Its not healthy for me and it wasn't healthy for you. Please know that I feel very guilty but I had to make the decision that was best for me and for you. You had a good 11 years. You spent some as an only pet, then with Molly, and finally you got to spend 5 years with your brother Koda. I promise never to forget you.

Me.

2008-05-05T21:37:00.000-07:00

I know I'm a bad blogger, but life has been incredibly busy these past few weeks. Life has a way of getting in the way and changing all kinds of thoughts.

I recently turned 25,(two days ago) and I spent the day laying in bed with the flu. I had plenty of time of think and cry. I cried for the life I though I would have and the life that I wanted. I cried because I hate being sick, and I cried because I can't believe my life has turned out the way it has.

If you had told me 10 years ago that I would have bought a house, be living by myself in a small town a few hours from my family, I would have died laughing and said that you would have to be kidding. I honestly thought that I was going to be married with at least one child, teaching and just loving life. I didn't think I would be in this much debt and I thought I would be happy.

Not that I'm unhappy. As much as I can't believe this is where I have ended up, I can't imagine that I would be happy any other way. I realized that I love that this is the way that life has turned out. I'm happy with my friends, my house and my decisions so far. 25 years, and I'm glad its turned out like this. I can't wait to see what the next 25 years has to hold.

To bark or not to bark?

2008-05-01T21:50:00.001-07:00

A daily giggle

2008-04-19T11:42:00.001-07:00

This guys laugh just gives me a good giggle.

A feeling.

2008-04-16T20:21:00.001-07:00

Have you ever just had a feeling. Where you just know that somethings not right. Thats how I feel about my body right now. I know somethings not right, I can feel it. I have had shingles within the last month and I can feel them coming back. I am in pain but on the other side, and I'm sure its only a matter of days before the rash comes back. I am TIRED!!!! I'm going to bed at an early time and I can say that I am getting at least 8 hours of sleep a night. There are days where its all I can do to stay awake in school. I come home everyday afterschool and I crash. I get raging headaches.

I don't know. I just don't feel okay. Because I live in a small town with no doctor I have to take time off to go. I have sick days, but I can't afford to drive to the city. I know thats a sad excuse, but its true. At the present moment I can't.

Anyways I know this post was probably a big bore, but I need to document it for myself.

The Dance Recital

2008-04-14T19:59:00.000-07:00

Everything went well. I missed a step and messed up, but it was fine. I was so nervous, so I'm glad its done. I will probably end up taking dance again, but we'll see. It's going to be wierd not to have my lessons every week. I'm not sure what I'm going to do instead. The gym gets kinda boring. If you have any ideas for good music while I work out or any fun tapes or activities. Let me know. I would really appreciate the ideas......

2008-04-06T18:25:00.000-07:00

Tap Dancing.

Yep I take tap dancing. I make fun of myself for it, but secretly I love doing it. I'm not that good, but it feels nice to be able to dance and have fun while exercising. I loathe exercising. I do, but I do it because I feel guilty, and I'm sick of being fat. I do it for my health, but I don't like it. But tap dancing doesn't feel like exercising to me although I always come home sweaty and tired like I've been at the gym.

I've always been self concious of my body, and once again I am going through my body issues. I never feel adequate. I can count the number of times on one hand that I've felt truly beautiful. I'm not really sure how to fix it, but it's always there. I wonder if I'm single cause I'm too fat or too ugly. I question every outfit I wear, wondering what people are thinking, where people probably don't care that much, do they? I don't know.

I have my dance recital this upcoming week. I have many students dancing in the recital with me. It will be exciting and I will enjoy it. But I have this fear that I won't be any good and people will laugh. It will be fine and I know it in my head, I just need to keep reminding myself.

Wish me luck.

Any takers?

2008-03-29T22:44:00.000-07:00

What does this speech make you think of?
I'll respond as well, but I want to see what you guys feel, think first...

Here is an inspirational speech from coach carter

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Pain....

2008-03-28T21:01:00.000-07:00

So I'm a completly big wimp when it comes pain. I will do anything to not be in pain. I can't pluck my own eyebrows, can't wax my own legs. I can't even pick a sliver out of my finger if I have one. It hurts to much.

Well I have been PAIN for the last week. First they thought I had a kidney infection, well I did have an infection, but the pain didn't get any better. So I went back to the doctor today. I have shingles. Seriously I thought only old people get it. But I guess it makes sense. I have most of the symptoms.
Have you had it? It hurts and I feel bad if you have.

2008-03-19T15:45:00.000-07:00

"....no matter how many motherless women I meet in my travels, I never stop being surprised by how much we have in common, despite our obvious differences. This is true regardless of the ages we were when our mothers died; the exact cause of loss; our families' racial, ethnic, or socioeconomic makeup; and the ages we are now."
- Hope Edelman in "Motherless Daughters The Legacy of Loss"

I find this subject the hardest to talk about. Being a woman without her mother is something people don't understand. I don't feel as if I can talk about this with my family or my friends.

If and when I bring up the subject, I hear many comments, about, hey arn't you over that yet. Grow up! Chin up. There are harder things in life.

And ya know your right, but being a motherless daughter has CHANGED who I am. It effects every part of my life, my being and my feelings.

This blog may see alot of rambling on this subject. Just a heads up.

2008-03-16T18:07:00.000-07:00

Life is what happens when your busy making other plans.

Isn't that true. I am a chronic worrier. I worry about how the bills are getting paid, what people think of me, how I'm ever going to accomplish anything.

I am coming to the realization that as I get older, the dreams I had for myself as a child are coming true. They are being accomplished slower then I imagined, but I'm doing it. I need to stop worrying to begin to realize that it hasn't got me anywhere but depressed.

I plan on using this blog as a sounding board for ideas, complaints, successes, and just a general memory keeper.

Wanna join me in the journey???